I love design. Design is my life. But sometimes, I really hate what I am doing.
Ok enough about crappy clients, let's vent about staff. Yes, staff. As much as I try to embrace everyone and be a true "boss", meaning being positive about every freaking thing, it’s tough like horse shit. Some wise men said your emotion affects everyone around you, so don't show them; or another wise men said, show some compassion, don't be so square and so stern. So, which is it? Work place wisdom only goes so far if only they apply to everyone. But the truth is, they almost don't apply 100% to anyone except for the ones who wrote them. Come on, you are successful now learning shit the hard way, therefore now they have the “wisdom”. We are not successful yet, therefore your wisdom does not work on us! If wisdom works on everyone, everyone would be a billionaire by now.
As a typical Asian dude making a living in a North American city, I have never run a studio which majority is women. It's……interesting. Actually I don't really know the fuck I am doing. I don't really know how they think, how they feel, how they work and how they see me. I always thought it's the same deal just being a little more sensitive to issues, but being sensitive to a woman when you want to ask them out for a date, is completely different from being sensitive to a woman when you want them to do the work.
I hate to say this, but I get frustrated when my senior team does not do as I say. I am constantly battling between making an executive decision and trying really hard not to piss them off. 50% of my effort goes into trying to convince my most senior team my idea. I don't know why there is always 10 reasons NOT to do something rather than one reason to do it. Sometimes, I just need someone to say "got it, considered done." Not "well, why do we have to do that? Why now? Can we wait? What's the point?" I am not an unreasonable boss. I have a clear conscience when I ask the staff to do things, it's always for the better of the studio, or have things better organized so everyone's life is a little easier. It's not like I am asking them to fetch my lunch or do my laundry. For example, I understand cleaning the studio is not actually written in their contract, but being a small studio, I would think keeping things tidy and clean is a common etiquette. So why the fucking resistance? When the boss, ANY boss ask for help, you should always say yes before you say no! Am I just too old school to think that? If my boss tells me I need to help, I would say yes we will get it done, but it may affect this this and that, it's a more logical response. But I am getting "No, let's not do it, and nobody is available to help" as a first response. How frustrating is that??? The worst thing is, I am MAD about myself, thinking I have done something wrong, and I have to internalize these emotions and go back to my "fuck it I will just do it myself" mode, which, obviously is the wrong approach. I am mad about getting mad. Yes, the infinite loop of hell.
So there you go. Somedays I just hate what I am doing. I go through these vicious cycles about client and staff every now and then. And these emotional roller coasters are happening more frequently these days. Does that mean this is not for me? Is this a sign? Is that the happiness and fulfillment I am looking for?
Management human is probably the most difficult thing. I feel that I am on that cross road again, do I want to be a business owner? Or do I want to be designer?
On days like this, I just want to give everything up and be a blogger like millennials, with a macbook sipping mochacino, then livestream in my swimsuit and be famous.