I had to make a really tough decision today at work. "Tough" is an understatement. I had to fire my friend, it broke my heart. Firing people is always awful, firing good people feels even shittier, firing good people who is actually your friend is utterly THE worst. Especially when they were very understanding of your situation, whether it's financially related or simply a company re-org, it didn’t really matter. That guilt stays with you for a long long time, and you may never recover from it.
You tried your very best to create scenarios on how it would go down, you had done a dozen iterations of possible alternatives, a hundred "What If's", and a thousand reasons not to do it. However, your gut told you one good reason to do it. And you just know, there was no other way.
To run a business, you can feel very compassionate but you can't feel too emotional.
To make a decision, you don't follow your heart. You stick to your gut. It just fucking hurts sometimes.
And there is never the best timing to let people go . Despite what google search tells you the best day to fire is Thursday, or Friday at 4pm, or Monday morning. NO, Fuck that shit. Nobody feels good no matter which day / time it is.
Maybe all startup owners go through this. Maybe they don’t. At some point in your business adventure, you would have or had thought about hiring a friend or a closed colleague from your past, someone who you refered as your work spouse or someone you clicked really well with in your past career. You trusted them, they felt close to you. Also when you start on your own, you simply don't have the street-cred (The industry makes you think you do, but you don't) to attract superstars to apply to your firm, nor do you have the funding to sweeten the deal. So naturally you turn to your past colleagues and friends. You sell them on your dreams, you sell them the idea that they get to work with you like old times, you sell them on being a pioneer, that they can shape their own future with the firm. Some you give them equity in exchange for lower pay, loyalty and promises to share profits and take care of them when the company becomes successful. At the end of the day, you do what you can to offer a fair and competitive offering for them to jump ship. Don't get me wrong, we are not asking for a favor, the decision is still theirs, whether to come onboard or not.
But one day, I can promise you, one day, you will likely have no choice but to fire them.
The problem is, these past relationships manifested into emotional baggages, for both you and the other person. You may not see it at the beginning, especially when things are smooth sailing. Your inner voice warns you about that from time to time, but you rather not listen. Slowly, you subconsciously give them free passes to do things a little differently, you start to let things slide. They may come in a little later everyday, or take longer lunches; or they just don't respond to you like a normal employee who would sees you as the person who pays their salary. Sometimes you become an invisible safety net for them to make mistake, that you will always be there to take care of things or take the fall just because you are both the boss and a personal friend. They may feel entitled to do and say things that could affect your decision making as a business owner, which you wouldn't allow other staff to do. They are not as passionate anymore. There is some kind of barrier I can't quite describe. I don't know whether because at the beginning they feel they are fighting along side with you, but as the company grew, they just don't find the need to anymore to push that hard. But still they probably think you will never have the heart to fire them. In good times, they are absolutely right, I don't and I won't. But at rocky times, I just don’t have a choice. Or rather I HAVE to make a choice. Do or Die.
Emotionally, you feel if you don't give them some slack, it will ruin your close relationship, so you don't do or say anything. Even if you do, you feel guilty, trapped, and had to swallow that up.
Lately the company has to pivot financially for the upcoming year, we just can't take on shitty projects just to keep the headcount. We have to make room for better growth, and simply have more cash in the bank for cash flow so we can pay our people and not have to borrow money. Cash flow is just as important as revenue, cash flow pays your rent, revenue just balances your books. Even though the company broke even end of year, we are still strapped for cash. I had to let couple people go, I had no choice. After looking across the board who has the right aptitude, skillset, growth potential and cost, I know what I had to do, despite how I actually feel.
She is a very good friend, an amazing designer, well rounded, great sense with finishes, versatile, responsible. When she is on, oh my god, she's so damn good. We worked together like peanut butter and jam, we have such great synergy, good laughs. We complete each other ideas, and sketch over one another. I love that feeling, I love how our minds just align with the slightest effort. It's the best feeling. It’s not necessarily love, but chemistry. Unfortunately, this "on" time is very scarce. Other times, I can feel the distance, the isolation, the nine-to-five mentality, the lack of drive. I believe this is when a person is "Jaded".
BUT.
I am also taking responsibility to create an environment that may have contributed to her being jaded. I am taking responsibility that maybe I set the bar higher on her compare to other people because we are friends. I am taking responsibility that I maybe less tolerance with her than other people. But don't you understand, either way, it's not a healthy working relationship, it’s double standards, it’s skewed, and it's hurting our friendship.
Ultimately, I want to change the status-quo. I want to feel that urge to drive and keep getting better. I want to be fearless to make critical decision. So I have to let her go, so I can re-focus. One step back, two steps forward kinda thing. With the help of lots of whiskey, I am prepare to live with that guilt, and the chance that we will probably never be that close again, or even as friends.
Today is probably one of the worst day, not because I have to let people go, because I felt that I have lost no matter what.