Whenever I have a deadline, be it creative or technical, my brain says let’s fucking go, my heart says I don’t wanna, and my fingers toggle between Space-bar and the Escape keys on the keyboard; which manifests into an infinite loop of procrastination.
When I started my design career, I was excited and curious, about small / sucky / insignificant tasks. I was hungry and I really wanted it. I looked forward to gaining knowledge, kissing asses, and doing things to move up and be better. I thought I was top-tier. That passion and drive was always a good ice-breaker, when someone asked my story of “How an Electrical Engineer became a Designer”
Fast forward 20 years, and here I am. The deadline is 12 hours away, I have 70% more to do, but I am eating pop-corn and binging the latest K-drama at 1030pm. I am fully aware and planned to have no sleep, but then hate myself for needing to pull a nighter and procrastinating. “Why am I the only one?” I don’t know what it is, but there are many moments I hate what I do, I hate my life, and I hate what I needed to do to survive in my career.
I feel like I am constently torn between regretting my life choices, questioning why I am still tirelessly grinding after 20 years yet life still goes at snail pace, and rebelling against the responsibilities running a company and being stable in life.
I ponder what it’d be like if I am a father doing a 9-5 job. I ponder a simpler life. I ponder being an engineer. You always want what you don’t have, while others want what you have. It’s a fair game. But doesn’t shake my increasing jealousy of others and the daily sinking and depressing feeling.
I know can change life if I want to, yet I still prefer procrastination.