Not really sure how to write this entry without sounding super negative and a downer. Truthfully, I always preach happiness is a measurement of “net gain” of more happy than sad moments, I think at the dawn of 2024, which is more or less a continuation of 2023, and more or less a continuation of 2022, my happiness scale is tipping below 50%. As I approach the half century milestone (well, in a couple years), I rejected the idea of a mid-life-crisis, yet couldn’t help but think what I have done, and where would i go next.
I do feel a bit stuck. As for my career, work is steady and I no longer suffer from major financial anxiety. Yet I know I won’t retire rich, nor can I foresee myself stop working. I do not feel excited or joyful about new projects. The excitement for signed deals is more a reassurance of being able to pay bills, pay staff, but that’s about all I would feel relieved for, not really about the projects or the creative potential at all. I am bored of my own creation, I feel like I suck at design, and I am sick of the cycle of grinding and caring too much. I don’t even own that much of the company. For the past 9 years, I am marely taking a salary, no dividend, no incentives, no bonuses. It actually makes me feel like I suck being a business owner. Why run a businses if I don’t make much? Isn’t it the point of making more money? What am I so proud of? Being a good boss? A good designer? Someone who cares too much? Someone who takes a beating and don’t complaint? What the fuck am I doing.
Saying “I am just tired” really means shit because everyone is tired and no one around me really knows how hard I grind, because part of your job is not show it and put on a face. I am too fucking good at that. Half of being an owner is indeed putting on a face 90% of the time. In front of staff, in front of client, in front of spouses, in front of yourself? But if I am true to myself, I am frigging exhausted. Probably depressed. The symtoms seem to be there…. I need sleep, I do, but I am more exhausted of the cycle of knowing what you put in, does not equals to what you get out of it. I bitch about “Why bother”, while at the same time, kept doing it. I am a hypocrite, or just too afraid of losing too much. How much longer do I grind? Should I be grinding after 20+ years of the same shit? Why am I grinding?
I really think I am flat-lining here, my life, my career, my purpose.