I know for a while that for some reason I have closed up completely. I have an extraordinary mechanism to internalize and dissolve any hostile situation where I can and will seem to remain extremely calm and composed, that got me out of a lot of sticky situation. I am able to handle all kinds of shitty people, and all kinds of bad energy. Once done, I took a deep breath, pat myself in the back, “you just dodged a bullet!”. I didn’t know that although I have been dodging bullets left and right, I have absorbed all kinds of recoils mentally.
I realized I have bottled up a tremendous amount of guilt, shame, anxiety, depression, exhaustion, anger, self-pity, self-doubt for as long as I can remember, in order to be this person that everyone seem to love, respect, and depend on.
But deeply inside, I have cried everyday, cursed at everyone, and to be quite honest as I am writing this blog I want to throw my laptop and smash it onto the wall. But I can’t express that feeling. Nothing comes out, but a forced smile, a sigh, a pitiful “I can handle it” attitude. I feel like crying, but my eyes are dry. I seemed to have normalize all my feelings for so long in order to keep my emotional curve at a steady flatline, so much so, that in order to not feel emotional, I ended up not able to feel anything at all. I don’t feel, joy, sadness, anger, excitement, achievements, disappointment, love or hate. Everything is just “meh, it’s ok”. I just know I am tired, but I can’t stop. I don’t want anyone to lean on me, but I always lend a shoulder. I want to cry but I make jokes about crying. I feel weak but I became strong. I really don’t like working, but I pull 70 hours weekly. Why am I going against me?
I feel every single thing. But I feel nothing.